Protection Detail
by Fictionnaire
Summary: Tony thinks about being a daddy. Kate issues a challenge. Tony has to look after an egg for a week then something else in wk 2. Will he succeed? Warning Crackish!fic and maybe OOC a bit
1. Chapter 1

_**Protection Detail**_

_**A/N: This may be a bit OOC but it's all in fun. After a serious conversation with Kate, Tony decides to take up a challenge.**_

**PROLOGUE**

Not a lot escaped Kate's observant eye. Tony was acting dreamily since the case was solved and she really wanted to find out. "Ok, Tony," Kate said. "What's going on?"

The words didn't seem to reach Tony straight away; finally he looked up and responded. "I was just thinking," Tony answered as he fiddled with his letter opener. "It's just that seeing the father with his son today. They were so good together," he said somewhat absently.

"Oh?" Kate wasn't sure where it was going.

"I was wondering… I've been seriously dating for a while now," Tony sighed as he looked up. "I want to be a father… What do you say Kate?" He asked for her opinion.

Kate's head snapped up. "What?!" She sounded angry. "That's definitely hitting a red light Tony," she told him off.

"No… Not with you," Tony defended himself. "I wouldn't even dream of doing that with you," he added.

"What wouldn't you be doing with Kate DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked as soon as he appeared out of nowhere.

"Um, Boss," Tony cracked under the intense glare. "I was just talking about having kids with Kate," he said as he looked back to his computer screen.

Kate's eyes widened in shock at how that sounded. "We were not!" She said very loudly.

"We were so," Tony responded while he held back his laughter.

Gibbs turned to face Kate again. "He was talking about having kids with me… But not having kids WITH me," Kate said as she began to stumble over her words. "Well you see… Argh, forget it," she snapped.

Tony smirked as he looked in her direction. "I've been called into MTAC," Gibbs said suddenly as he left the bullpen and jogged up the stairs.

"You don't think I'd be a good Daddy," Tony picked up the conversation without missing a heartbeat.

Kate rolled her eyes. It wasn't going to be easy to get Tony off the subject. So she thought of something that could quickly change his mind. "Well you're irresponsible, you get in danger on weekly basis on a good week and you're an over-grown frat boy," she said.

"No need to flatter me Katie," Tony said as he tried not to sound too disheartened. "I bet I can make a good dad," he said. Of course he was all those things.

"If you make a good dad. I'll be your slave for a month," Kate scoffed with laughter.

"You're on," Tony said as he leapt to his feet. But how was he supposed to do that? "I'll take the challenge but how?" He asked.

"Well when I was at school… We were given this project to look after this egg for a week," Kate said but then thought for a moment. "That'll be too easy. You look after an egg for a week, then we'll go from there. Also… If you prove to me you can be a good dad after two weeks I'll be your slave. If you can't you'll have to be my slave," she said while smiling. She honestly hoped that that would put him off track.

"Deal," he simply said.

* * *

_**DAY ONE… EGG ONE**_

Tony came into work at the same time as Kate. The issued challenge was not forgotten as Tony produced a nice looking egg with a smiley face painted by a permanent marker. "Say hello to Tony junior," he proudly showed off the egg to Kate.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Is it a boy or a girl?" She asked.

"Girl," Tony proclaimed triumphantly.

"A girl?" Kate raised her eyebrows.

"Well she doesn't have a penis does she?" Tony asked and Kate blushed slightly. "Say hello to Regina Katie," Tony kissed the egg and offered for her to do the same.

"Regina?" Kate asked.

"Don't you think it's a great name for an egg?" Tony asked as he sat at his desk and took off his jacket.

Kate couldn't argue with that. She shrugged her shoulders as she sat at her desk. There were no names to compare it with anyway. Oh God she thought. The next time she sees an egg she's going to try and name it and compare it to Tony's egg.

"Now, Regina. This is where daddy works," Tony spoke softly. "Usually we're not allowed to bring our children into work but I guess everyone will make an exception for you because you're such a beautiful girl. Yes you are. Who's a pretty girl then?" Tony cooed at the egg, before he lined his pocket with cotton wool and put the egg carefully into his chest pocket. "There's a good girl… Sit there nice and quietly," he said softly before giving Kate a triumphant smile. "Shh… Regina's having a nap," he said.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs bellowed as he entered the bullpen. Tony almost jumped and he looked at his boss. "I don't want to hear you talk like that to Kate. You hear me!" Gibbs shouted. If that got around they'd be back in sexual harassment meetings faster than a run to Starbucks.

"But boss," Tony said. Kate stuck her tongue out at him. "I wasn't talking to her," he explained his actions.

"The hell you weren't!" Gibbs barked. This earned a questioning look from Kate to Tony's direction and she waited for him to respond.

"He said HELL Tony," Kate stated. Now Gibbs was staring at Kate.

"What? Oh right," Tony couldn't believe he was about to say. "Excuse me boss… Would you mind not swearing in front of my child," Gibbs stared wide eyed as he took Regina out of his pocket and showed him. "Now," he said.

"DiNozzo! Why do you have an egg in your pocket?" Gibbs demanded an answer.

Tony placed it on the table before explaining. "Well you see. I'm trying to prove that I can be a good father," Tony said and managed to only just stop Regina from rolling off the edge of his desk and he put her safely back into his chest pocket.

Gibbs looked like he was about to say something but then closed his mouth. This action was repeated a couple of times as Gibbs began doing his best to impersonate a goldfish. "I need you to go and pick up some old test results from Abby DiNozzo," he was able to find his voice again.

"On it Boss," Tony replied automatically. "Come on Regina… We're going to introduce you to Abby," he gave a little wave to Kate before walking heading to Abby's Lab.

* * *

_**Abby's Lab**_

Tony walked into the lab and there was fear written all over his eyes when the forensic scientist came running towards him. "No… Abby. NO!" He yelled. But it was too late to stop her tight hug.

"I haven't seen you since Friday," Abby squealed. Something felt wrong as Tony just stood very still. She took a step back. "You're leaking," she looked at him oddly.

"Oh man," Tony threw his arms up in defeat. "You squashed my egg. Now Kate is going to win the bet because I couldn't look after it," he said. It was true, he failed at that.

"It's my fault, Tony. I'm sure Kate will understand," Abby said. "But anyway, we can go and get another egg from the cafeteria," she told him.

* * *

_**CAFETERIA**_

Annie the lead hand in the cafeteria was not helping matters as Tony tried to explain why they needed one raw egg. He was getting impatient and the damn woman was getting on his nerves. "Abby," Tony decided to let the Gothic Forensic Scientist loose on her.

In three minutes Abby left the kitchen area with an egg. "Here," Abby gave the egg to Tony.

"How did you change her mind?" Tony asked.

"I explained the whole situation," Abby answered.

"You explained the situation that you only know part of the story in less than three minutes?" Tony was amazed that she could pull off such a fete.

"Yeah. I think she gave me the egg to just get rid of me," Abby sounded dejected. Tony began painting the face on it. "She said that whenever you need to you can get another egg," Abby explained.

"Thanks Abs," Tony said as he put the egg carefully in the other chest pocket. Now he'd have to find a way to get the jacket on without anybody noticing the eggy stain on his chest pocket. This was going to be a hell of a long week.

"Good luck Tony," Abby said as they went their separate ways.

* * *

_**MTAC (late afternoon)**_

Tony, Kate, Gibbs and Tom stood in MTAC talking with the FBI. After conversing with Agent Fornell, they got a briefing from Director Morrow. Halfway during the briefing their noses began reacting to something.

"What smells?" Kate asked.

"It smells like rotten eggs," Morrow responded. "What the hell smells like rotten eggs in MTAC?"

"Ah hell," Gibbs commented. It was really smelly.

Tony didn't want Kate to know that it was probably the bit of raw egg that he couldn't clean out and therefore lose the bet. So, he had to think of something fast. "Excuse me," Tony said and he showed a guilty smile.

Gibbs headslapped Tony hard. "If you can't keep your bodily functions under control DiNozzo…" Gibbs trailed off. He couldn't think of an appropriate threat to counter someone farting in MTAC.

"Sorry Boss," Tony said.

* * *

_**A/N: I know it's something completely stupid. But it's been bugging me for a couple of days. Next Chapter…Ducky's mother visits NCIS… What could be the problem with that?**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Protection Detail**_

_**Day 2/Egg 2**_

Tony was proud that he had managed to keep the egg safe enough to take it to work. He thought that if he could keep away from Abby's bone crunching hugs there might be a chance he could win the bet. With Gibbs in the loop, it could make things easier or worse. He waited to be given orders to see what should be done next.

They were in autopsy where they met with Ducky. It was to do with a cold case. There wasn't anything new for them to investigate. "Sorry to keep you waiting Jethro. The nurse called in sick and I had to bring in mother," he explained the reason for his tardiness.

Tony bit his lips to hold back a smile. The urge to reference a movie was just too great. "Might have to start calling you Norman… Noooormaaan this is your…Ouch! Hey!" He felt the familiar pain of a headslap from his boss.

Ducky chose to ignore Tony's comment and moved on. "To access the reports and go over what we need, I need someone to keep an eye on my mother," Ducky said.

Gibbs looked over at Tony and Kate. It was obvious that the two agents had just volunteered to _mother-sit._ The two agents took Mrs. Mallard to Abby's Lab. Abby looked happy to see her. But then again she was happy to see anybody.

"Mrs. Mallard," Abby said. "How nice of you to come and visit?"

"Donald wanted to come and play with his friends," Mrs. Mallard said. It always felt like this. Her Donald was always gallivanting off with his friends while she had to stay and babysit some woman who claimed to be a nurse. She had tried to set her and Donald up but he didn't want any part of that.

"Oh you can hang out here with me… It's cool," Abby smiled.

"Abby," Gibbs interrupted the silence on by shouting in the monitor.

"Gibbs, you don't have to shout… What is it Boss-man?" Abby asked him.

"What's on the other station?" Mrs. Mallard asked.

"Send DiNozzo up here… We need him for some physical activity," Gibbs said cryptically. "And tell him to leave that damn egg behind," he said before the screen went black.

"Kate… I was wondering if you can look after Regina," Tony handed the egg to Kate. After parents often got other people to look after their kids so it was well within the bounds of the challenge to do so.

"Alright," Kate said as she took the egg.

"Regina likes to have a twenty minute nap in about half an hour," Tony checked his watch. "Daddy will be home as soon as he can," Tony bent down and kissed the egg without taking his eyes off Kate.

She rolled her eyes and managed to hold back a smile as he left. "Don't you find domesticated men hot Kate?" Abby asked.

Kate scoffed. "Tony DiNozzo is not hot," She answered as she laid a handkerchief on the table and carefully placed the egg on it. This was starting to feel ridiculous. How did she keep getting dragged into these situations? Kate asked herself.

"You and Tony like to play," Abby smiled brightly.

"Kate!" Gibbs voice said on the screen. "We need you in the bullpen now," Gibbs said.

"I'll look after the egg," Mrs. Mallard assured Kate. "You know," Mrs. Mallard said to Abby as she watched her working. "When Donald was at school he and a partner had to look after a couple of eggs as well," she explained.

"Really," Abby tried to imagine Ducky telling bedtime stories to an egg. She laughed, it wasn't that hard to imagine. "Did he do well with it?" Abby asked.

"Oh yes… Donald and his partner were top in the class with the assignment," Mrs. Mallard answered.

Abby went into her office area to look something up on her computer files. She enjoyed spending time with Ducky's mother as much as she enjoyed the personal time with the ME. Her heart skipped a beat when she entered the main part of the lab. The egg was gone… Mrs. Mallard was gone. That could spell trouble.

* * *

Mrs. Mallard had taken the egg since she had agreed to look after it. But why had they given her the egg. Were they trying to drop her a hint… Yes! Her mind screamed at her. Of course that's what they were doing. Donald always left a tape with Double Jeopardy in the VCR because he always wanted to watch it. So they watched it every night, she always pretended it was her idea but knew that was what Donald wanted. Egg! Of course, everyone wanted her to bake a nice cake for them. She liked baking cakes.

* * *

Kate and Tony were demonstrating the physical ways how an altercation could've resulted into the bruising around the shoulder blades and chest consistent with the victim lying on the table.

"Ow," Tony whined. "Not so hard Katie," he said.

"I thought you liked it rough," Kate replied as she put her forearm into his shoulder blades and held him a choke hold.

Just then, Ducky's phone rung. He walked to a corner of the room and answered it. Then quickly snapped it shut. "I have to go," he said in a semi-annoyed tone.

"What's the problem Duck?" Gibbs asked.

"Mother has run from Abby's Lab and wondered into the cafeteria kitchen and started making a cake," Ducky said. "I must go and sort this out," he said as he left.

"She made the cake?" Tony asked hopefully.

Gibbs headslapped Tony. "Kate, you go with him. We'll put the body back DiNozzo," Gibbs told him.

_**

* * *

**_

_**CAFETERIA**_

"I was just baking everyone a cake," Mrs. Mallard said to the staff. "I didn't even get to put it in the oven," she said.

"She just walked in here and cracked the egg and started mixing in ingredients," The lady said.

"I was baking a cake," Mrs. Mallard restated.

"Come along mother… You know I told you, you can't just waltz into other people's kitchens… They don't like it," Ducky told her. "I'm terribly sorry about this," he said to the staff.

Kate's face showed a real concerned look. "What egg did you use, Mrs. Mallard?" Kate asked her.

"The egg you gave me dear," She answered.

"Oh dear… I know this may seem a little awkward," Kate walked into the kitchen and talked with one of the staff.

* * *

_**Abby's Lab**_

Abby jumped slightly when Kate came running into the lab. "Kate," she said in an excited tone. "Ducky's mom took off with the egg," she said.

"I know. She went to bake a cake. I talked with the staff and talked them into giving me an egg. You can't tell Tony. I've drawn a little smiley face but I don't know if it's a noticeable difference," Kate said in a panicky tone. "If he finds out that I gave the egg to Ducky's mother and she broke the egg. I'll get the blame for it," Kate said. That and Tony would think that he had won the bet.

"Don't worry…" Abby reached into a drawer and pulled out a bit of black ribbon that she sometimes keeps as a spare. "We'll tie this around the egg and Tony won't notice," Abby said cheerfully.

"Ahh, Regina… Did you miss daddy?" Tony gave the egg a little tap. "Oh my, how pretty you look with the black bow," he put the egg into his pocket as Kate and Abby smiled at each other.

"This is going to be a hilarious week," Abby said after Kate and Tony left. This was going to be very interesting.

* * *

A/N: Another surprise visitor comes into NCIS... LOL.  
Audience participation... Who or what would you like to see interfere with Tony and his duty of looking after the egg.


	3. Chapter 3

_**PROTECTION DETAIL Day 3/Egg 3**_

Tony sat at his desk cooing soothing words into it's ear. Every time he began a nonsensical conversation, Kate looked up. At first she thought he was talking to her. But then remembered the silly bet they made. Kate hated to admit it but Tony was doing well with the baby assignment.

"Something the matter Kate?" Tony looked up from the desk as he tucked the egg half way under a handkerchief as it was napping.

"I think you'll be a wonderful mother one day Tony," Kate answered.

"Why thank – Hey!" Tony realized what she had said. "Very funny Katie," he said angrily.

"Ooh, moody are we?" Kate asked in a teasing tone.

"You two… We're expecting someone over on the Leo Johnson case," Gibbs went through a file but kept one hand pointed at the other two. "JAG's coming over to give us information on Leo Johnson," he said. "SecNav wants full cooperation to solve this cold case,"

"Alright Boss," Tony answered without taking his eyes off Regina the egg. A couple of times it almost rolled off the edge of the table. He could see Kate just waiting in the wings like a vulture ready to swoop down as soon as he stuffed up.

"Tony… Get down and get everything you can from the case… Including the original Autopsy results," Gibbs ordered.

"But," Tony was about to argue.

"Before you even think about saying no… I want you to remember that you like your job DiNozzo," Gibbs warned.

"On it Boss… There's just one thing though," Tony winced when Gibbs made eye contact. "Can you look after Regina for me?" He asked. Kate was glad that he didn't ask her.

"Get downstairs," Gibbs ordered him.

"On it Boss," Tony responded.

Gibbs looked proudly as he managed to get the computer to print out some of the case report. But that triumphant grin turned into a frown when the printer going was at Tony's desk. "What the hell?" Gibbs rubbed his face in frustration.

Kate hid her smirk behind a file she was pretending to read.

"Whoever's bright idea it was to network the computers should be shot," Gibbs muttered as he walked over to Tony's disorganized station and grabbed the printouts after they were done.

"Special Agent Gibbs," A female's voice said to him.

"Lieutenant Commander Faith Coleman," Gibbs turned around.

"I was told that we had to share the details of the Johnson case," Faith said as she showed Gibbs her briefcase. She noted the look of displeasure on Gibbs' face. "I'm not too happy about it either. I had to spend all afternoon yesterday digging through JAG's archives. It's not pleasant down there Agent Gibbs," she said as she lifted her briefcase and planted it loudly on Tony's desk.

"I'm not so thrilled about working with JAG either," Gibbs said.

"But since it's our orders," Faith said in a subdued tone. She wanted this over with.

"Hey Boss," Tony came in carrying some files. "You been keeping a good eye on Regina?" He asked. It sounded ridiculous to himself, but he was starting to feel protective about Regina the egg.

"Of course I have it was..." Gibbs looked down at Tony's desk and noticed for the first time that Faith's briefcase was firmly planted where the egg had been. "I have it in a safe place," Gibbs told him. But he knew it was smashed underneath Faith's perfectly squared off briefcase.

"Agent DiNozzo," Faith said as some politeness.

"I'm going for coffee," Gibbs said suddenly. He had to replace Tony's egg. The thought of Kate and Tony's wager was beyond childish. But also knew that if Tony's egg was broken before the end of the week there'd be no end to it.

"Alright Boss," Tony said as he sat at the spare desk and went through some of the paperwork that Faith had brought over. There seemed to be nothing new to the case. He was deeply buried into the paperwork.

Faith looked around Tony's desk... It was so untidy. She moved her briefcase closer to her. Before she was able to start work, Faith had to tidy the desk... Then one thing led to another and she was rearranging the draws.

"There's nothing new in these files," Tony said. "I don't know what we're suppose to be looking for... What are you doing?" Tony looked up to see Faith going through his draws. "Hey," He shouted.

Faith looked up as if she just figured out what she was doing. But something was bothering her. Something smelled horrible. She found the cause of it... There were old chocolate bars in the bottom draw.

"Do you mind staying out of my draws?" Tony snapped.

"Wow Tony," Kate said smiling. "Now you know how it feels having someone going through your stuff," she laughed.

"Really funny Katie," Tony responded, shaking his head.

Gibbs shook his own head when he entered the floor. He had to get an egg from the cafeteria, which he was surprised that they were so understanding about giving him an egg. Then he had to get the ribbon on it. The only person he knew had black ribbons like that was Abby. He had to give the full explanation to Abby to what happened to Tony's egg before she helped him.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said as he put the egg down in front of Tony. "Don't forget to look after the egg now. He told him. It felt silly that Tony was starting to take this little protection detail seriously.

"Thanks boss," Tony responded. "Now were you a good girl for Gibbs?" Tony asked Regina. Faith looked over with her mouth agape. It seemed that she was surprised by all this. "Haven't you ever heard of parenting an egg?" He asked Faith.

"Yes... When I was about six," Faith's mind wondered as if in caught in a distant memory. Every girl she knew in school was given that assignment.

"That makes sense... That's Tony's mental age," Kate snickered.

"It's rude to insult a parent while their kid's in earshot," Tony poked his tongue out at Kate. "But don't listen to Katie Regina. She's jealous because she doesn't have something to look after," Tony stroked the egg.

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm not jealous," She said while shaking her head. It seemed that she was more afraid of losing the bet. But she'd never admit that until the very last minute.

"Ah, you are so," Tony said. "Don't worry Katie... If you're a good girl I might let you babysit Regina,," he smiled at her.

"I'll like to babysit Regina right into the frying pan," Kate threatened.

Tony got such a shocked look on his face. "Don't say that to Regina... You're hurting her feelings," he pretended to cover the ears of the egg. "Now apologize," Tony said.

"I'm not going to apologize Tony," Kate said.

Faith zoned out so she didn't have to hear the childish antics of the NCIS agent. But the smell was growing stronger. She looked everywhere. She lifted her briefcase and saw broken egg shell and gooey yellow yolk over it's bottom. "Eww," she said before carefully cleaning the desktop and taking the squared off briefcase to the bathroom and feverishly cleaned it with paper towels. She wasn't sure where on Earth the egg came from and frankly, she didn't want to know.


End file.
